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A Butchered Haircut

A bad haircut. I got a bad haircut and it's killing me on the inside.

I can understand that a haircut is nothing to truly get upset over, 'It grows back' they say, 'I'm sure it will look fine' they console, 'It's just hair' they proclaim.

The problem is a bad haircut represents a much bigger issue. I am a person who incredibly vain about my hair. I don't need anyone to compliment me, I don't need to having a stunning effect that stops people in the street and causes them to stare at me. At the end of the day I don't really care what you think, but I care what I think. It makes me feel good when my hair is falling ever so perfectly in place, yet still has a few wild strands shooting out like water from a leaky hose. It gives me that little extra bit of confidence that allows me to walk around all day with my back strait and chest puffed out ever so slightly. It shows me I give a shit, I take pride in the effort I put in.

So I care about my hair, there is no longer need to argue if the amount I care is warranted, I made the decision that I want to care. The problem with this bad hair cut, is that I brought it upon myself through poor judgement. I went to get it cut at a place where it has been done poorly before, so I know that I can't trust them with my hair, and I paid the price. I went because it was quick, easy, and cheap. That's the root of the issue, I took something I cared about and willingly allowed it to be mismanaged.

Let's forget hair for the time being and deal with the core issue here. I failed myself because I made a choice to not deal with my life properly. I sit here and write a lot about standing on your own two feet, but I failed in following my own advice. That's why I am so upset. I am a big enough person that I can admit my own shortcomings, something that took a long time to do, but I can admit it. It's my own damn fault for letting this happen to me. I am taking this moment to admit that I am not perfect so that maybe you can listen to what I have to say without criticizing me while I say it.

This whole talk about haircuts really boils down to the issue of 'whose fault' anything is. There are many people in my own life, and surely yours who constantly find ways to blame outside forces for all of the problems in their life. This mindset has become common place, and is even a train of logic used by our own government. (Don't worry, I don't have the energy to get overly political, I'll move on in a moment.) When you hear terms like the 'War on Drugs' and 'War on Terror', we are personifying things that don't actually have any control over their actions. Drugs are just drugs, Terror is just Terror. It doesn't have a face, it doesn't have a mind, it can't make choices on it's own to make an appearance in your life. These 'things' that we declare war on are simply things, but using them as a scapegoat is an easy way to direct your anger without actually having to deal with a real problem.

The problem is people. People are the only ones who have any sort of control in the chaos of the universe that we live in. Even animals run enough on instinct that you really can't blame a bear for being a bear. There is a polarity in this concept though, because in the same way that a person can choose to ruin your day, or in my case can choose to be an incompetent practitioner of their craft and give you a shitty haircut, you have the ability to control as much of your life as you are willing to take control of.

That control all comes from a central core of knowing who you are, knowing what you want out of life, and being willing to have a lot of people tell you that you are wrong. Standing on your own two feet scares people, making choices for yourself reminds them that they aren't doing that themselves, and most of the time those people don't actually want to. The bright side is when you can bring yourself to really dig in and lead your life the way you want to, the others who do the same will identify with you and support you in your choice.

You have to be ready to admit that when someone lets you down, it's partially your own fault. It isn't very often that someone will truly surprise you in the way that they 'fail' you, or 'fail' themselves. You control the people you surround yourself with, so it is by your choice whether or not you choose to surround yourself with people who you believe will ever be capable of failing you. That's not to say you can't have friends who flounder a little bit, but you have to be aware of this part of their personality.

 You have to take care of yourself first and foremost, because no one else will. Why should they? We are a race of competitive murderers who learn to be compassionate about others. It's not an inherent skill. Left to our instincts, humans would destroy the weak and fornicate with the powerful. Even when we fall in love it is with someone who we identify to be a strong member of our species, proven by our own personal criteria.

Now I've had this discussion with people before and I get slammed with the response of 'Sounds like victim blame'. So it does, but nothing in life isn't as simple as that. I am not saying that outside forces are not at fault for their actions, and that a person can control every possible thing that will happen to them. Sometimes really, really bad shit happens to people who don't deserve it. But what good does it do to spend the rest of your days feeling pissed off at the world, blaming it for the bad things that happen to you? Do you really want to be willing to give up even trying at being in control because bad shit might still happen? That's your choice. My choice is to pick myself back up again. I probably won't forgive the person or people who do bad shit to me, but I am not going to let their selfish actions control the rest of my life. I am only going to forgive someone if they fully realized the error of their ways, or if either their life philosophy or world understanding prevents them from even being capable of realizing they did something wrong. I can't blame someone for being too stupid to understand what they are doing is wrong, because the entire concept of 'wrong' is being decided by my perspective.

You have to do everything in your power to make whatever situation you find yourself in better before you can just go blaming someone else, and you need to make the best possible choices as you move forward every day in making sure your life is either staying how you want it, or moving towards where you want it to be. That burden is on you and you alone. If this concept scares you, realize that people will help you...but help does not mean 'do it for you'. If they did it for you, you could just blame them for doing it wrong afterward. Don't take the scapegoat. Take control.

March to the Sea

I often times have 'these' nights, ones where the clock has ticked over midnight into the next day, and I'm still sitting awake with all the lights off, trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do tomorrow. It's funny how once a day has officially punched the clock on being over, you can look forward with such optimism how the next day will be different. It just has to be different. Something needs to change in order for you to be able to crawl back into your own skin to manage to fall asleep.

"Tomorrow is going to be the day I go back to the gym. I am going to hit it hard, get into good shape so come halloween or the next con, I can be a truly sexy beast." Or maybe it's: "Tomorrow I am going to finally get that thing done around the house. I'll clean up that room and turn it into an office, set up a space where I can write for 4 hours at a time, record a podcast and make web videos again.". These are obviously examples of the places my mind goes at the end of the night, but I am sure you have your own places that you go to.

Then tomorrow you wake up and go about your routine, remembering the promises you made the night before, and apologizing to yourself for not upholding them. "Sorry me, got a late start on the day. We'll pick up on all those new leafs tomorrow, sound good?". You can go a lot of years having that conversation every morning, and even on the day when you get severely slapped in the face by how much time has passed, it doesn't make it any easier to change the routine.

We are all in this funk. Even if you are the type to kiss the sunrise good morning and go for a run, there is somewhere in your life that you want to improve yet the will just won't come. I have this mental image for it, and have tried to write it all out poetically, but it didn't make much sense. I'll give it another shot, maybe with a glass of Sake at my side it will come easier.

Picture an ocean, a big blue wide open ocean. You are in this ocean, bobbing below the surface is you, fighting to swim but being pulled further down by your struggle. Your lungs burn as they are filled with salt water, and the light filtering through the surface in it's twisted, undulating fashion is growing fainter. The water gets colder as you sink deeper, and you feel the great maw of being truly alone. The thing is, if you were able to fly up above the water, you would be able to see that there are others thrashing amongst the tide almost right next to you. They are just far enough away that you can't see them through the darkness. You would also be able to see there is a group of people on the surface, huddled together, keeping themselves afloat by clutching onto whatever debris they could find. This group of survivors isn't swimming for shore though, they are searching the water for more survivors, piecing together their bits of debris to form a life boat for those who can manage to get their head above water for just a moment. And when you get to the surface, you will join them in their mission of mercy.

If you have yet to be saved by this search party of those who are also lost at sea, it is easy to give up hope that they exist. They are there, and they will find you. The hard part is finding something to grab onto to keep your head above water. That's all it is though, keeping your head above water. That effort to save yourself is enough for them to see you, for them to help you. But you have to try, the first push has to come from you.

The storm never stops. There are some calm days, but ultimately we are all floating together. It's not as scary as it sounds though. At least you know, at least you understand what to expect. Nothing comes easy in this world, and when it does its a gift and should be treated as one. So if you feel like they are being thrashed by the waves, pick one of those things you think about before you go to bed, and wake up and fucking do it. Just start the process, do it in earnest, then take it one day at a time.

Mind Prison

If you could see inside my mind
see into the world that exists in my dreams
you would see a man screaming
sprawled out on his knees

with hands raised towards the heavens
mouth begging to be forgiven

it is not that he has done anything wrong
it is that the man knows he is stuck being mortal
when he could be walking the earth as a god

my mind sees further
it knows you by your soul
it can tell when you are guarded
it can taste you when you are pure

if only the flesh could be made to reflect
the man that lives inside
I wouldn't be made to regret
this representation that is slightly a lie

not in an evil or malicious way
but merely with lament
that the truth is greater
than what can be seen

close your eyes
see whats inside
and allow yourself patience
as I push it through the cracks in this armor
that has been serving to protect
for far too much time

Let me out
Let me out
I want nothing more than to be completely free

When Life Gives You Writer's Block

Tonight, I wanted to write. I was craving the endorphin rush that I get when I finally am able to hit publish after writing and editing a piece, but for the life of me I couldn't get the words to start to flow. I sat for 6 hours staring at the blank page, engaged in a struggle of wills against a white rectangle. I tried what I considered to be everything I could think of to help: I looked up writing prompts, I pulled out a small book that I carry where I jot down ideas of things I should write about in the future, I even spent a half hour talking into my voice recorder about a short story that I have been wanting write for a long time. Even after finding all this 'inspiration', I still could not get the words to start coming.

My mind was racing. I feared that the fact that I couldn't figure out anything to write would keep me up all night, so I got back up out of bed and started trying to force creativity into the barren white box. I still couldn't get it to work. I would get two or three paragraphs into an essay and just can the entire thing. I knew what I was writing was garbage, it had no soul, it didn't mean anything. It was simply words for the sake of words.

Disheartened by my inability to get anything meaningful written, I gave up on writing for the night and decided that I was going to try and help my mind relax by playing some video games, but I stopped myself. Video games are a treat I prefer to give myself when my mind is at ease, when I feel I am allowed to reward myself for a 'Job Well Done' someplace else in the day. I knew that I hadn't accomplished anything meaningful, and hadn't accomplished anything meaningful for a few days. I had been letting myself slip into that comfortable routine of just escaping into some fantastical world where my life doesn't exist, where I can convince myself that the things I want to get done will get done tomorrow. I also knew that sitting down and mining ore as a digital avatar wouldn't sate that thirst that I had to create something.

Instead I forced myself to pull up my kindle and read a bit out of Steven King's book " On Writing". I had to have a serious conversation in my head that I give a shit about my writing, and I want to keep working my craft, so if I was going to do something to give my mind a break, it might as well be something that will help better me as a writer.

I got a few pages in and inspiration hit me, obviously so because here I am letting the words flow. I had bought the book a few months ago, and because life is just life sometimes, never gave my chance to even begin to dig into it. I didn't forget about it, I just knew that the book would be sitting there waiting for me, and when the mood was right, I would have an intimate class with one of my favorite authors. It wasn't so much the information that was contained in the digital tome that inspired me though, it was that the act itself triggered the truth in a bit of advice that I have given to quite a few people.

It should be apparent by the way that I approach my subject material, that the pursuit of bettering oneself and chasing after the things that I want is a very important part of the life that I find myself currently living. I write these essays in a hope to share some inspiration with the people who take the time to read them, and have the capacity to understand the messages that they contain. Because of this, close friends will lean on me as a beacon of inspiration at times. I am not going to sit here with hubris and proclaim that I am a Master of 'Carpe Diem", but in this society the simple act of even trying shows a lot about a persons character.

The topic of conversation that I am referring to, is people who have an obvious drive to make their lives better, but feel lost among the waves and can't seem to find a direction in which to swim. To these people who I can see fighting I always offer the same advice. "You need to change things up. Do something different for the sake of doing it, bury yourself in something you care about and ignore the rest of the world for a little bit. Take one of those things you have been wanting to do and just do it." I benefited from my own advice tonight, and I share it hear as a testament to how relieving it can be to have that moment where things start clicking together.

The truth is, I don't read nearly as much as I should. I went through a Renaissance of sorts before I started writing more frequently where I was introduced to the Romantic Poets. I was completely overwhelmed and inspired by their works, and if you have ever read Emerson, you can see where I draw inspiration from his style. I went through a brief period of time, a few weeks to be more exact, where I was digesting Romantic literature at a frantic pace. From there, I had an incredible urge to just read, read, read. I had created a new cycle in my life where I was reading great works as my pass time instead of just escaping into a screen. It faded though, my thirst was quenched for the time being, and I slipped back into the activities that were more comfortable to me.

The problem, which I realized tonight, is that I actually forget about how much satisfaction I was getting in the amount of reading I was doing. That trope of life occurred where I read a string of stories that didn't really resonate with me, and that fiery passion for literature was all but snuffed out. Maybe I got prideful, letting the positive responses from the work I have done so far convince me that I didn't need to be doing as much 'research' as I was doing, foolishly letting myself believe that I had enough profound knowledge to continue writing pieces I was proud of based on a false notion of how vast my life experience is.The truth is, chasing after the things you want is rarely easy. "Nothing worth having is easy" they say, and the second you start getting lazy, those things slip further and further out of your reach.

So the point of this story, is I write for those people who have the drive to better themselves, who want nothing more than to get to that place that they want to be. Your moment of weakness, if I can even be brave enough to call it that, is not something you suffer alone. Part of the journey of being a true person is the hardships we deal with along the way, the things that try to hold us back from getting there. Sometimes they come from outside forces, but a lot of the time we are our own worst enemies. The thing to remember is to not get discouraged, to not let yourself get so frustrated that you can't figure it out that you just stop trying. When things do build up to the point where you can't see the answer, just fold up your hope and place it in a little box. Keep that box close by, and go do something else productive. Maybe that thing is sorting through the clutter in your apartment, maybe its balancing your bank account and paying off some bills, or maybe it's something enjoyable yet unrelated to what you think will help you on your personal quest. You never know, you could have your moment of clarity while plotting out the garden you will plant in the spring, or maybe your grand purpose in life will become clear after nailing a song at karaoke.

I am a firm believer that the world will show you the answers when you are ready to receive them, and all the little things that your gut told you to do will pay off at some point. So just keep following the path towards your happiness, and when you get stuck, just do something else that makes you happy to shake things up a bit.

No Expectations

During a time in my life that involved much self growth and discovery, I befriended a group of Wiccans in California. One of them in particular I spent a lot of time with, either just hanging out, working on 'magical' practices, but the most impactful of the time we spent together was being able to benefit from her thinking in the ways of philosophy. She had not lived an easy life, an antithesis of sheltered. At the time I didn't fully comprehend the extent as to which the world had challenged her, but as the details trickled out through her own blog posts over the years after which we spent our time together, it was made blazingly apparent how truly she believed in the words she spoke, and the steel they were tempered with. As my quest for personal evolution has been kicked into full drive again, I felt it would be a nice time to reconnect with her, share the wisdom and experiences I had encountered, and mostly just to thank her for giving me a perspective I was allowed to use as I moved forward in my own life. Sadly, I am not going to get a chance to even say a simple thank you. I found out through trying to track her down that she recently took her own life, so my thank you will have to come in the form of helping to spread her positive message.

I have found through my 'travels' that whenever I meet anyone who I would consider to be an evolved human, they always have a certain 'catch phrase' that serves as a self affirmation of the way they live their life. Things such as: The concept of "Being a Person", the analyzation of "Want vs. Need", 'Walking Your Own Path", "Polarity", or "Having Your Own Story". All simple phrases that represent a massive book of personal philosophy, but serve as a fortune cookie kind of reminder for the bigger concept. Today I will focus on her mantra, "No Expectations".

The knee jerk reaction with all of these advanced philosophies towards life is to reject them outright, we want to believe we live in a magical world where no one will ever let us down, and that good things will happen to good people. As a base level human we all believe in some form of Kharma, be it through a religious based structure, or something that is developed personally. We all like to believe that as long as we are good people, good things will come back to us. Where this concept isn't completely untrue, it isn't as neat and simple as the little box that we hold our view of Kharma in. The roads of life as twisted and complex, and often times it takes a very particular lens to be able to see the good things that come our way as what they truly are. Though once you can let go of your preconceived notions of what is good in the world, a much larger, beautiful pictures come into view.

When you consider letting yourself have 'No Expectations' for the world around you, it sounds very depressing, a defeatist attitude almost. It feels good to be able to trust people, to be able to know that some how, some way, things will come together for you because there is some one or some thing looking out for you. If you truly consider this though, what do you actually expect of anyone or anything? We know that the natural world is completely out of our control, so it is easier to accept that it will just run it's course. If the skies want to rain, they are going to rain, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's not always so easy with people. We know that people can control their actions, and often times feel as though people do things purely out of spite, coming to that judgement without even truly looking at a situation. We expect people to behave a certain way because of our own perception of how one should act. The problem lies in the fact that our perception of how a life should be lived in not universal, and it is important to remember that.

When I would go to her house, there were post-it notes placed all over bearing that same message again and again. You would find them in many different places, where the message had a slightly different meaning each time, but always holding the same concept at it's core. The post-its on the fridge and over the sink were there to remind her that if someone ate her food, or put off doing the dishes: We are all human, and sometimes do things without thinking or realizing that they are going to bother someone else. She left notes on the wall of her room, and the front door to remind her that the world in it's grand mystery always has a way of surprising you, and that you need to be able to accept those surprises however they choose to show themselves.

Now this sounds like a very passive approach at life, but that is because this only works when dealing with people who you have accepted as kind souls and truly care about. When you truly care about someone- when you Love someone- you want nothing more than for them to exist as a true form of themselves. The only thing you can expect of that person is that they will do whatever they need to do in order to be the best version of themselves as they can possibly be. It's not always easy, but it's the truth. If you claim to Love someone because they live up to your expectations of who you think they should be, you don't truly Love that person, you are merely being made comfortable by the fact that you have the ability to control.

The trick is finding those people who deserve that level of complete open trust on the soul level. You need to be able to identify if you are dealing without someone who truly exists as a person who if left with complete freedom will chose to live their life in a way that pushes them towards the best version of themselves. Being able to find those people always takes an approach of 'No Expectations'. The good thing is that you will just know when you find one of those people. It will speak to you from inside, and from that point you just get to enjoy the ride and watch the person develop in front of you.

The magic that can occur when you are capable of existing alongside another person with 'No Expectations' is tremendous. When you can let go of that childish sorrow of not being in control, you will be amazed by what happens on it's own. Part of this whole concept is that when you get so stuck on this idea of know exactly what you want, and exactly how things should play out, you are completely incapable of being able to experience the surprises of life in the moment. It's nearly impossible to be let down, and much easier for event he most simple of things to impress you. You can still have hope, still have desires, but let them live as loose concepts instead of rigid specifics. You can allow yourself to be engulfed into the experiences of life instead of mentally sitting on the sidelines as a judge who decides if what is happening is good enough or not. Let everything be good enough, because it's pure and true.

Sadly, even when you do find people who are truly burning souls, we are all still human. You can't expect someone to be perfect, and you can't let someones failures scar you so badly that you do not recover. You also can't expect that someone else's path will always remain linked in with yours. We are all on a journey of growth and discovery, and there are points where the roads need to branch away. It's sad yes, but no reason to be upset. If two people's paths start to drift apart, it's no one fault. The only way to 'fix' the situation would be for someone to change themselves and try to force themselves into a false version of themselves. True, beautiful relationships occur when you completely shinning souls can link up and share those moments, and you owe it yourself to have those connections in your life, not to just settle for something simply because it works.

You find those relationships, be it friends, family, lovers, you find those relationships by going into the world with no expectations, being yourself and seeing where the wind takes you. I can promise, for as chaotic as the world may seem, it always seems to guide you to the right place at some point. Just be sure to let it guide you, and don't try so hard to bend it into the version of the world you expect it to be, that you get completely lost.

Videogames Live

I went to Videogames Live the other night, which is quite simply video game music played live. I let myself go into the show with no expectations, so I could come out with the full experience. The quick breakdown is this: A live orchestra accompanied with a choir and vocal soloists, hosted by Tommy Tallarico. But I'm not here to give you a simple review breakdown of the night, lets talk about it on a gestalt level.

Video Game Music As Art

There is something really special about video game music to the people who have played the games. The songs from your favorite games live as much larger versions of themselves because they are attached to the memories from the games themselves. A simple song can be more than just a melody, it captures the mood of a story and characters that you grow attached to while playing these games. There are also iconic songs from games that serve to summarize an entire franchise, and just hearing the familiar notes calls forth a wave of emotion from our memory banks. It is important to remember that when you are dealing with video game music that there is so much passion that is attached to it. What may seem to be just a silly song can actually be a piece of music that was a backing track to moments that changed a persons life.

We are at a point where enough time has passed that the same people who were playing Nintendo as kids are grown adults who have defined themselves as human beings, and part of what they define themselves as pulls from the experience of video games. You don't just passively listen to video game music, you live it, you experience it. Video games almost serve as a modern day musical in these regards, but a musical where we as gamers had an active part as the author of the story. Even the casual gamer knows a handful of songs from their childhoods, themes to games like Zelda, Mario, or Sonic. Even if you don't know the melody off the top of your head, the second the song starts you realize that you know the tune by heart.

It is in this way that we run into a slight issue with dealing with a concert with such a broad scope in song selection. There were sections of the show that focused on games that didn't hold that level of importance to me, so I found myself fidgeting in my seat just waiting for the band to move onto the next song. This isn't to say I have such a messiah complex that I feel the entire show should be tailored around me, it's just a simple fact that when dealing with such a vast selection of songs, there is no way to please everyone in the audience at all times.

This factor of personal preference was made bearable by the incorporation of large projection screens though. During the show, whenever songs were being played, massive screens were playing footage from the games that were being featured. It made it possible for me to not completely lose my interest while listening to music from God of War (I'm not debating the validity of the game, it just doesn't happen to be my cup of tea). These screens were also used in between songs to play short video clips that dealt with dogma of video game culture, and served to unite us all in our nerdom.

Uniting the audience was the part of the experience that I found most gratifying. Treating video game music as legitimate music is a movement that is gaining speed, but does not have the widespread support that it deserves. It exists as a niche corner of the musical world, often misunderstood. Listing video game music as my favorite musical genre isn't something that I do quite often, even though the more thought I put into it, am realizing to be the truth. I felt really good to be in a room full of people who had a similar level of understand as to how special the night we were all sharing truly was.

There was a moment where the band played one of the songs from the Opera sequence of Final Fantasy VI, and as the song came to a close I was about to shout out (in my usual, slightly belligerent social self) "I wonder is Ultros is going to pop out!" (during the closing of the Opera sequence, the mini boss Ultros pops up, ruining the theater and causing a battle to ensue). Before the words could come out of my mouth, someone a few rows in front of me shouted nearly those exact words. I laughed a true belly laugh, before myself responding "We are such fucking nerds." I felt at home

Video Games Live is a pioneer in the realm of live video game music, and hopefully their work will help pave the way for many other live performances of the same vein. They are the proof of concept that people actually care about this art form, the theater was packed full of people who were excited to see the performance. Unlike a mainstream show, It didn't seem as though anyone in the audience was there just because it was a cool thing to do on a monday night. There was passion filling all the seats. The simple fact that the audience cared so much to be there is reason enough for the performance of live video game music to continue.