March to the Sea

I often times have 'these' nights, ones where the clock has ticked over midnight into the next day, and I'm still sitting awake with all the lights off, trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do tomorrow. It's funny how once a day has officially punched the clock on being over, you can look forward with such optimism how the next day will be different. It just has to be different. Something needs to change in order for you to be able to crawl back into your own skin to manage to fall asleep.

"Tomorrow is going to be the day I go back to the gym. I am going to hit it hard, get into good shape so come halloween or the next con, I can be a truly sexy beast." Or maybe it's: "Tomorrow I am going to finally get that thing done around the house. I'll clean up that room and turn it into an office, set up a space where I can write for 4 hours at a time, record a podcast and make web videos again.". These are obviously examples of the places my mind goes at the end of the night, but I am sure you have your own places that you go to.

Then tomorrow you wake up and go about your routine, remembering the promises you made the night before, and apologizing to yourself for not upholding them. "Sorry me, got a late start on the day. We'll pick up on all those new leafs tomorrow, sound good?". You can go a lot of years having that conversation every morning, and even on the day when you get severely slapped in the face by how much time has passed, it doesn't make it any easier to change the routine.

We are all in this funk. Even if you are the type to kiss the sunrise good morning and go for a run, there is somewhere in your life that you want to improve yet the will just won't come. I have this mental image for it, and have tried to write it all out poetically, but it didn't make much sense. I'll give it another shot, maybe with a glass of Sake at my side it will come easier.

Picture an ocean, a big blue wide open ocean. You are in this ocean, bobbing below the surface is you, fighting to swim but being pulled further down by your struggle. Your lungs burn as they are filled with salt water, and the light filtering through the surface in it's twisted, undulating fashion is growing fainter. The water gets colder as you sink deeper, and you feel the great maw of being truly alone. The thing is, if you were able to fly up above the water, you would be able to see that there are others thrashing amongst the tide almost right next to you. They are just far enough away that you can't see them through the darkness. You would also be able to see there is a group of people on the surface, huddled together, keeping themselves afloat by clutching onto whatever debris they could find. This group of survivors isn't swimming for shore though, they are searching the water for more survivors, piecing together their bits of debris to form a life boat for those who can manage to get their head above water for just a moment. And when you get to the surface, you will join them in their mission of mercy.

If you have yet to be saved by this search party of those who are also lost at sea, it is easy to give up hope that they exist. They are there, and they will find you. The hard part is finding something to grab onto to keep your head above water. That's all it is though, keeping your head above water. That effort to save yourself is enough for them to see you, for them to help you. But you have to try, the first push has to come from you.

The storm never stops. There are some calm days, but ultimately we are all floating together. It's not as scary as it sounds though. At least you know, at least you understand what to expect. Nothing comes easy in this world, and when it does its a gift and should be treated as one. So if you feel like they are being thrashed by the waves, pick one of those things you think about before you go to bed, and wake up and fucking do it. Just start the process, do it in earnest, then take it one day at a time.

Mind Prison

If you could see inside my mind
see into the world that exists in my dreams
you would see a man screaming
sprawled out on his knees

with hands raised towards the heavens
mouth begging to be forgiven

it is not that he has done anything wrong
it is that the man knows he is stuck being mortal
when he could be walking the earth as a god

my mind sees further
it knows you by your soul
it can tell when you are guarded
it can taste you when you are pure

if only the flesh could be made to reflect
the man that lives inside
I wouldn't be made to regret
this representation that is slightly a lie

not in an evil or malicious way
but merely with lament
that the truth is greater
than what can be seen

close your eyes
see whats inside
and allow yourself patience
as I push it through the cracks in this armor
that has been serving to protect
for far too much time

Let me out
Let me out
I want nothing more than to be completely free

When Life Gives You Writer's Block

Tonight, I wanted to write. I was craving the endorphin rush that I get when I finally am able to hit publish after writing and editing a piece, but for the life of me I couldn't get the words to start to flow. I sat for 6 hours staring at the blank page, engaged in a struggle of wills against a white rectangle. I tried what I considered to be everything I could think of to help: I looked up writing prompts, I pulled out a small book that I carry where I jot down ideas of things I should write about in the future, I even spent a half hour talking into my voice recorder about a short story that I have been wanting write for a long time. Even after finding all this 'inspiration', I still could not get the words to start coming.

My mind was racing. I feared that the fact that I couldn't figure out anything to write would keep me up all night, so I got back up out of bed and started trying to force creativity into the barren white box. I still couldn't get it to work. I would get two or three paragraphs into an essay and just can the entire thing. I knew what I was writing was garbage, it had no soul, it didn't mean anything. It was simply words for the sake of words.

Disheartened by my inability to get anything meaningful written, I gave up on writing for the night and decided that I was going to try and help my mind relax by playing some video games, but I stopped myself. Video games are a treat I prefer to give myself when my mind is at ease, when I feel I am allowed to reward myself for a 'Job Well Done' someplace else in the day. I knew that I hadn't accomplished anything meaningful, and hadn't accomplished anything meaningful for a few days. I had been letting myself slip into that comfortable routine of just escaping into some fantastical world where my life doesn't exist, where I can convince myself that the things I want to get done will get done tomorrow. I also knew that sitting down and mining ore as a digital avatar wouldn't sate that thirst that I had to create something.

Instead I forced myself to pull up my kindle and read a bit out of Steven King's book " On Writing". I had to have a serious conversation in my head that I give a shit about my writing, and I want to keep working my craft, so if I was going to do something to give my mind a break, it might as well be something that will help better me as a writer.

I got a few pages in and inspiration hit me, obviously so because here I am letting the words flow. I had bought the book a few months ago, and because life is just life sometimes, never gave my chance to even begin to dig into it. I didn't forget about it, I just knew that the book would be sitting there waiting for me, and when the mood was right, I would have an intimate class with one of my favorite authors. It wasn't so much the information that was contained in the digital tome that inspired me though, it was that the act itself triggered the truth in a bit of advice that I have given to quite a few people.

It should be apparent by the way that I approach my subject material, that the pursuit of bettering oneself and chasing after the things that I want is a very important part of the life that I find myself currently living. I write these essays in a hope to share some inspiration with the people who take the time to read them, and have the capacity to understand the messages that they contain. Because of this, close friends will lean on me as a beacon of inspiration at times. I am not going to sit here with hubris and proclaim that I am a Master of 'Carpe Diem", but in this society the simple act of even trying shows a lot about a persons character.

The topic of conversation that I am referring to, is people who have an obvious drive to make their lives better, but feel lost among the waves and can't seem to find a direction in which to swim. To these people who I can see fighting I always offer the same advice. "You need to change things up. Do something different for the sake of doing it, bury yourself in something you care about and ignore the rest of the world for a little bit. Take one of those things you have been wanting to do and just do it." I benefited from my own advice tonight, and I share it hear as a testament to how relieving it can be to have that moment where things start clicking together.

The truth is, I don't read nearly as much as I should. I went through a Renaissance of sorts before I started writing more frequently where I was introduced to the Romantic Poets. I was completely overwhelmed and inspired by their works, and if you have ever read Emerson, you can see where I draw inspiration from his style. I went through a brief period of time, a few weeks to be more exact, where I was digesting Romantic literature at a frantic pace. From there, I had an incredible urge to just read, read, read. I had created a new cycle in my life where I was reading great works as my pass time instead of just escaping into a screen. It faded though, my thirst was quenched for the time being, and I slipped back into the activities that were more comfortable to me.

The problem, which I realized tonight, is that I actually forget about how much satisfaction I was getting in the amount of reading I was doing. That trope of life occurred where I read a string of stories that didn't really resonate with me, and that fiery passion for literature was all but snuffed out. Maybe I got prideful, letting the positive responses from the work I have done so far convince me that I didn't need to be doing as much 'research' as I was doing, foolishly letting myself believe that I had enough profound knowledge to continue writing pieces I was proud of based on a false notion of how vast my life experience is.The truth is, chasing after the things you want is rarely easy. "Nothing worth having is easy" they say, and the second you start getting lazy, those things slip further and further out of your reach.

So the point of this story, is I write for those people who have the drive to better themselves, who want nothing more than to get to that place that they want to be. Your moment of weakness, if I can even be brave enough to call it that, is not something you suffer alone. Part of the journey of being a true person is the hardships we deal with along the way, the things that try to hold us back from getting there. Sometimes they come from outside forces, but a lot of the time we are our own worst enemies. The thing to remember is to not get discouraged, to not let yourself get so frustrated that you can't figure it out that you just stop trying. When things do build up to the point where you can't see the answer, just fold up your hope and place it in a little box. Keep that box close by, and go do something else productive. Maybe that thing is sorting through the clutter in your apartment, maybe its balancing your bank account and paying off some bills, or maybe it's something enjoyable yet unrelated to what you think will help you on your personal quest. You never know, you could have your moment of clarity while plotting out the garden you will plant in the spring, or maybe your grand purpose in life will become clear after nailing a song at karaoke.

I am a firm believer that the world will show you the answers when you are ready to receive them, and all the little things that your gut told you to do will pay off at some point. So just keep following the path towards your happiness, and when you get stuck, just do something else that makes you happy to shake things up a bit.

No Expectations

During a time in my life that involved much self growth and discovery, I befriended a group of Wiccans in California. One of them in particular I spent a lot of time with, either just hanging out, working on 'magical' practices, but the most impactful of the time we spent together was being able to benefit from her thinking in the ways of philosophy. She had not lived an easy life, an antithesis of sheltered. At the time I didn't fully comprehend the extent as to which the world had challenged her, but as the details trickled out through her own blog posts over the years after which we spent our time together, it was made blazingly apparent how truly she believed in the words she spoke, and the steel they were tempered with. As my quest for personal evolution has been kicked into full drive again, I felt it would be a nice time to reconnect with her, share the wisdom and experiences I had encountered, and mostly just to thank her for giving me a perspective I was allowed to use as I moved forward in my own life. Sadly, I am not going to get a chance to even say a simple thank you. I found out through trying to track her down that she recently took her own life, so my thank you will have to come in the form of helping to spread her positive message.

I have found through my 'travels' that whenever I meet anyone who I would consider to be an evolved human, they always have a certain 'catch phrase' that serves as a self affirmation of the way they live their life. Things such as: The concept of "Being a Person", the analyzation of "Want vs. Need", 'Walking Your Own Path", "Polarity", or "Having Your Own Story". All simple phrases that represent a massive book of personal philosophy, but serve as a fortune cookie kind of reminder for the bigger concept. Today I will focus on her mantra, "No Expectations".

The knee jerk reaction with all of these advanced philosophies towards life is to reject them outright, we want to believe we live in a magical world where no one will ever let us down, and that good things will happen to good people. As a base level human we all believe in some form of Kharma, be it through a religious based structure, or something that is developed personally. We all like to believe that as long as we are good people, good things will come back to us. Where this concept isn't completely untrue, it isn't as neat and simple as the little box that we hold our view of Kharma in. The roads of life as twisted and complex, and often times it takes a very particular lens to be able to see the good things that come our way as what they truly are. Though once you can let go of your preconceived notions of what is good in the world, a much larger, beautiful pictures come into view.

When you consider letting yourself have 'No Expectations' for the world around you, it sounds very depressing, a defeatist attitude almost. It feels good to be able to trust people, to be able to know that some how, some way, things will come together for you because there is some one or some thing looking out for you. If you truly consider this though, what do you actually expect of anyone or anything? We know that the natural world is completely out of our control, so it is easier to accept that it will just run it's course. If the skies want to rain, they are going to rain, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's not always so easy with people. We know that people can control their actions, and often times feel as though people do things purely out of spite, coming to that judgement without even truly looking at a situation. We expect people to behave a certain way because of our own perception of how one should act. The problem lies in the fact that our perception of how a life should be lived in not universal, and it is important to remember that.

When I would go to her house, there were post-it notes placed all over bearing that same message again and again. You would find them in many different places, where the message had a slightly different meaning each time, but always holding the same concept at it's core. The post-its on the fridge and over the sink were there to remind her that if someone ate her food, or put off doing the dishes: We are all human, and sometimes do things without thinking or realizing that they are going to bother someone else. She left notes on the wall of her room, and the front door to remind her that the world in it's grand mystery always has a way of surprising you, and that you need to be able to accept those surprises however they choose to show themselves.

Now this sounds like a very passive approach at life, but that is because this only works when dealing with people who you have accepted as kind souls and truly care about. When you truly care about someone- when you Love someone- you want nothing more than for them to exist as a true form of themselves. The only thing you can expect of that person is that they will do whatever they need to do in order to be the best version of themselves as they can possibly be. It's not always easy, but it's the truth. If you claim to Love someone because they live up to your expectations of who you think they should be, you don't truly Love that person, you are merely being made comfortable by the fact that you have the ability to control.

The trick is finding those people who deserve that level of complete open trust on the soul level. You need to be able to identify if you are dealing without someone who truly exists as a person who if left with complete freedom will chose to live their life in a way that pushes them towards the best version of themselves. Being able to find those people always takes an approach of 'No Expectations'. The good thing is that you will just know when you find one of those people. It will speak to you from inside, and from that point you just get to enjoy the ride and watch the person develop in front of you.

The magic that can occur when you are capable of existing alongside another person with 'No Expectations' is tremendous. When you can let go of that childish sorrow of not being in control, you will be amazed by what happens on it's own. Part of this whole concept is that when you get so stuck on this idea of know exactly what you want, and exactly how things should play out, you are completely incapable of being able to experience the surprises of life in the moment. It's nearly impossible to be let down, and much easier for event he most simple of things to impress you. You can still have hope, still have desires, but let them live as loose concepts instead of rigid specifics. You can allow yourself to be engulfed into the experiences of life instead of mentally sitting on the sidelines as a judge who decides if what is happening is good enough or not. Let everything be good enough, because it's pure and true.

Sadly, even when you do find people who are truly burning souls, we are all still human. You can't expect someone to be perfect, and you can't let someones failures scar you so badly that you do not recover. You also can't expect that someone else's path will always remain linked in with yours. We are all on a journey of growth and discovery, and there are points where the roads need to branch away. It's sad yes, but no reason to be upset. If two people's paths start to drift apart, it's no one fault. The only way to 'fix' the situation would be for someone to change themselves and try to force themselves into a false version of themselves. True, beautiful relationships occur when you completely shinning souls can link up and share those moments, and you owe it yourself to have those connections in your life, not to just settle for something simply because it works.

You find those relationships, be it friends, family, lovers, you find those relationships by going into the world with no expectations, being yourself and seeing where the wind takes you. I can promise, for as chaotic as the world may seem, it always seems to guide you to the right place at some point. Just be sure to let it guide you, and don't try so hard to bend it into the version of the world you expect it to be, that you get completely lost.

Videogames Live

I went to Videogames Live the other night, which is quite simply video game music played live. I let myself go into the show with no expectations, so I could come out with the full experience. The quick breakdown is this: A live orchestra accompanied with a choir and vocal soloists, hosted by Tommy Tallarico. But I'm not here to give you a simple review breakdown of the night, lets talk about it on a gestalt level.

Video Game Music As Art

There is something really special about video game music to the people who have played the games. The songs from your favorite games live as much larger versions of themselves because they are attached to the memories from the games themselves. A simple song can be more than just a melody, it captures the mood of a story and characters that you grow attached to while playing these games. There are also iconic songs from games that serve to summarize an entire franchise, and just hearing the familiar notes calls forth a wave of emotion from our memory banks. It is important to remember that when you are dealing with video game music that there is so much passion that is attached to it. What may seem to be just a silly song can actually be a piece of music that was a backing track to moments that changed a persons life.

We are at a point where enough time has passed that the same people who were playing Nintendo as kids are grown adults who have defined themselves as human beings, and part of what they define themselves as pulls from the experience of video games. You don't just passively listen to video game music, you live it, you experience it. Video games almost serve as a modern day musical in these regards, but a musical where we as gamers had an active part as the author of the story. Even the casual gamer knows a handful of songs from their childhoods, themes to games like Zelda, Mario, or Sonic. Even if you don't know the melody off the top of your head, the second the song starts you realize that you know the tune by heart.

It is in this way that we run into a slight issue with dealing with a concert with such a broad scope in song selection. There were sections of the show that focused on games that didn't hold that level of importance to me, so I found myself fidgeting in my seat just waiting for the band to move onto the next song. This isn't to say I have such a messiah complex that I feel the entire show should be tailored around me, it's just a simple fact that when dealing with such a vast selection of songs, there is no way to please everyone in the audience at all times.

This factor of personal preference was made bearable by the incorporation of large projection screens though. During the show, whenever songs were being played, massive screens were playing footage from the games that were being featured. It made it possible for me to not completely lose my interest while listening to music from God of War (I'm not debating the validity of the game, it just doesn't happen to be my cup of tea). These screens were also used in between songs to play short video clips that dealt with dogma of video game culture, and served to unite us all in our nerdom.

Uniting the audience was the part of the experience that I found most gratifying. Treating video game music as legitimate music is a movement that is gaining speed, but does not have the widespread support that it deserves. It exists as a niche corner of the musical world, often misunderstood. Listing video game music as my favorite musical genre isn't something that I do quite often, even though the more thought I put into it, am realizing to be the truth. I felt really good to be in a room full of people who had a similar level of understand as to how special the night we were all sharing truly was.

There was a moment where the band played one of the songs from the Opera sequence of Final Fantasy VI, and as the song came to a close I was about to shout out (in my usual, slightly belligerent social self) "I wonder is Ultros is going to pop out!" (during the closing of the Opera sequence, the mini boss Ultros pops up, ruining the theater and causing a battle to ensue). Before the words could come out of my mouth, someone a few rows in front of me shouted nearly those exact words. I laughed a true belly laugh, before myself responding "We are such fucking nerds." I felt at home

Video Games Live is a pioneer in the realm of live video game music, and hopefully their work will help pave the way for many other live performances of the same vein. They are the proof of concept that people actually care about this art form, the theater was packed full of people who were excited to see the performance. Unlike a mainstream show, It didn't seem as though anyone in the audience was there just because it was a cool thing to do on a monday night. There was passion filling all the seats. The simple fact that the audience cared so much to be there is reason enough for the performance of live video game music to continue. 

Pazzo

Deadly world of oblivion
Heavenly day
All calmed out in transitory
Forget those days, I am your Master
Vanish

The day of Terror
Day of the Tyrant
This day is for you
Counting the Death Toll

Glorious
Fortune
Scorched Earth
Feral Rage

The Waltz carries on
Tempo increasing
Madness Rising
Dancing in Euphoria

Life
Dreams
Hope
Where do these come from?
Where have they gone?
None of these shall fill your heart

Embrace your Destruction
Inevitable Fate
of all that stands precious
Monument of Non-Existence

Post-Mortem: Final Fantasy X

A Post-Mortem is a review of sorts where we look at a game that has already gone through it's initial release phase, been reviewed and talked about, and has sunk into it's resting place in history. The point of a Post-Mortem is not to simply review a game, but to look at the impact it had on the future of gaming, and the gaming culture as a whole.


Part 1-Characters
When Final Fantasy X came out in 2001, it was a brave step forward in the Final Fantasy series. Games were moving forward graphically, and this was the first time we would be playing a Final Fantasy game that featured voice acting instead of text boxes for all the of the dialog in the game. Final Fantasy X was looking to take the emotionally driven storyline that is a staple of the series, and breath even more life into them, helping players further connect with the characters. We spent more time seeing these characters on an 'up close and personal' level, using facial expressions to help show the responses of the characters.

One of the issues with this story telling device, was that the technology was still at an early stage. Often times when the game is looking to deliver an emotionally charged moment, you are taken out of the scene by the limitations of the tech at the time. Personally, I always found Tidus' teeth to look very strange, and there are many moments where I find myself staring at them instead of listening to him rallying his troups for the upcoming battles against Seymour or Sin. If it's not his teeth, it's hard to shake the notion that Tidus looks a lot like Meg Ryan.

The problem we run into here, and one that we still deal with today, is that the game is trying it's best to tell us that these characters are real, and we should view them this way. What happens is a jolting disconnect when they suddenly appear to be very robotic. When you play the earlier games, you can allow the characters to work as visual aids for the point of storytelling. It's like when you read a book, you have a description of what the character looks like, but your mind fills in all the blanks for you. In your head you can see the way the characters would react to situations, you can hear their voices in the way that you interpret what is being said. In this more hands off approach, you are actually capable of immersing yourself deeper into the story, because all of the little details you make up for the characters come from you.

The biggest issue I see with the voice acting, is that it can actually work to sever your connection with a character. Tidus and Rikku are the main offenders to this point. Tidus comes off as such a little brat, and I am left to wonder if I would have read his character differently. At a core level he is a brave leader who is frustrated by the situation but never gives up hope, but the voice acting paints a picture that if it wasn't for Auron, Tidus would just go hide until Sin destroys Spira. Rikku's positive attitude suffers the same injustice as Vanille from FFXIII, where instead of coming off as upbeat she at times sounds painfully vapid. It's a shame, because the voice acting makes decisions for you on how these characters are portrayed, and a less than stellar performance can really damage the reception of a character.

The problems that Final Fantasy X endures when it comes to creating characters that feel alive is something that has spread deep into the roots of the gaming world. People expect detailed characters with robust voice acting, but it brings up the question as to if this expectation is hurting the ability to tell a story that fully immerses you.

Part 2-Music

The Final Fantasy series has always been known for it's music, created by the incredible Nobuo Uematsu. All Final Fantasy players have songs from the enormous library that will forever haunt their ears, even bring tears to their eyes. When we look at the music in Final Fantasy X, it's easy to say that very little of the music is truly memorable. One factor in this is that the music actually falls victim to the voice acting. In previous games, it was up to the musical score to drive the emotional response that the player would have. Character themes would be reprised numerous times throughout the game, and their melodies would sing the soul of the characters. A great example of this is how Aerith's Theme is used in Final Fantasy VII to remind the player of why the heroes were keeping up their fight, to remind us of how much we had already lost, and how much was at stake. It was more than just background music, the songs themselves had a soul.

If you go to a website like OverClocked ReMix, you will find hundreds of tracks inspired by the music of the earlier Final Fantasy games, but so very few from the more recent titles. The reason is that the music from the more recent games simply doesn't hold the same power. Where we are given the emotional responses of the characters through voice over and 'acting' by the characters, we lose the impact that the music had on telling the story. Again we have to ask the question of what we really want from our games, and if what we have learned to expect is truly the best way.

Part 3-Gameplay

If you are to have a conversation with a fellow gamer about Final Fantasy X, there are a few complaints about the actual gameplay that you are bound to hear. The first is people will say the game is too linear, they miss the overworld map that was present in the previous titles, they want to explore a large world instead of bouncing from zone to zone and following strait forward paths. The second is mixed bag response to the sphere grid system, and the total lack of traditional levels in the game. A third is a feeling that the characters are not defined enough in their combat roles, that characters like Yuna and Auron steal the spotlight as must have party members, and people like Khimari seem to just fall to the wayside.

Let's start by talking about the more linear approach. I feel as though this complaint falls into the category of people not knowing what they really want from a 'sequel'. While the main Final Fantasy games are never direct sequels to each other, they all embody the same core elements that make up the Final Fantasy universe. The problem we run into here is that instead of embracing the new innovations in gameplay, people will quickly compare the newest game to previous titles. After playing through V, VI, VII, and IX before playing X, the linear approach was like a gift to me. Where it is fun to explore a world and discover all of it's hidden secrets, I was able to really enjoy the story of Final Fantasy X without having to deal with the frustration of not knowing where to go next. Just because something was done the same way for such a long time, doesn't mean it is the only way to do it, and the other games didn't go away. The innovations that Final Fantasy X attempted allowed me to enjoy the game in a different way than I enjoyed previous games, and worked as a stepping stone into what the series is becoming today. I am not going to argue if the new direction is a good or a bad choice, but I will say that the Final Fantasy franchise is taking steps forward, and those steps forward allow us the opportunity of seeing the franchise grow into a more modern style. The fact is we simply don't know what the last 3 Final Fantasies would be like if they stuck closer to their roots, meaning we don't know if they would have been better or worse than what we have.

When a discussion comes up about the Sphere Grid system, it seems like it is always in comparison to the materia system of Final Fantasy VII. We all loved materia, it was an incredibly fun and ingenious game play element that defined Final Fantasy VII, but we need to be able to move forward. If you bog yourself down with the fact that the Sphere grid is not materia, you will never allow yourself to the opportunity to even start to appreciate it. The ability to swap out characters mid fight, along with how combat was put into a much more rigid turn based system allowed for an extremely tactical approach to combat. When you win a tough fight, it isn't simply because you smashed the bad guys harder than they smashed you, it was because you were allowed to plan out an approach on how to tackle each fight. (until later in the game, where you are powerful enough to just smash things and completely ignore their resistances and weaknesses.) On top of this ability to be a strategist in combat, you also were given completely free reign on how your characters could develop. By putting in the time, you could break the traditional class roles that Final Fantasy lays out for you and create hybrid characters that best fit your play style. This made the combat fun, kept it fresh, as well as giving you a great sense of accomplishment when your movements along the sphere grid truly come together and you are able to wipe out any threat that comes your way with ease. This step forward in decision making is something that is needed in modern RPG's, where a characters power isn't simply decided by their stat numbers, but is augmented by way that a player approaches a situation.

Part 4-In Closing

Final Fantasy X took brave steps in breaking the tradition of the series, and was judged heavily because of this. Often being compared harshly to previous titles, X was never given a chance to truly shine amongst hardcore fans of the series. What we have in Final Fantasy X though, is exactly what we need to be seeing more of in the gaming world, new innovations attempting to push games forward. We as a gaming community need to be able to put aside our fear of change when it comes to new games in an established series, and to enjoy them as their own entity instead of finding ways to be upset by them. If we can't find a way to figure out what we enjoy in the new changes, we are forcing future games to simply be clones of what has been played to death, and are robbing ourselves of the chance at catching lightning in a bottle again in the future.

Why Do We Fight?

We are a civilization that has had violence instilled in us through generations of evolution, a species forged through competition, a distillation of the darwinist theory. From the days of savage, nomadic tribes, to the current tradition of sports and the workplace. We relish in the struggle, we yearn to become the victor. But why do we fight?

This question goes beyond a violent or military sense, it is asked not of the flesh, but of the of the mind, of the soul. If you are not physically fighting for survival, then what are you fighting for? It is easy to get lost in the struggle to lose sight of where you started, even where you are going, and just focus yourself on the fight. It is easier that way, occupy yourself with what you are doing currently, and remain ignorant to what the outcome may be. Less stressful to simply think of the battle and not of the war.

The art of self reflection is something that is no longer taught in earnest to our youth. Our system for learning is based off that of a factory, based off an institution that craves efficiency, focuses on the singular motions in light of the process as a whole, praises the quantity of results over their quality.  Our religions teach not to look inside oneself and devise a moral code, but to listen to the words etched on the walls, to fear punishment for defying them. The question why is removed from our vocabulary, and replaced instead with obey.

We learn through all of this simply not to fail. We learn to push with every inch of our strength to simply conquer whatever obstacle is in front of us, for fear of being punished if we fail. That punishment can come from the outside, from some elder or system meant to keep us in line, but as we get older and loosen the grip of these authority figures on ourselves, this punishment comes from within. We chalk up so many of our actions as failures, and destroy ourself internally for it. “Reach for the stars”, “chase after your dreams”, “nothing is impossible” are the other set of mantras that have been instilled upon us alongside the ever looming message of “don’t fail”. We are cursed creations because of this.

It is all too easy to find something worth chasing after, the heighten the idea in your head. You take something simple, some want which becomes a dream, which ultimately becomes a conquest. The social training kicks in and your nose is against the grindstone, stopping at nothing to achieve this dream, but what happens when this survival instinct takes over your logic? What happens when you don’t want the thing you are chasing after anymore, where it’s notion has been perverted, but you are locked into the fight. Unwilling to give up, you fight forward anyway, hoping that the ends will justify the means. You become obsessed, so sure you were when you started that this star was worth reaching for, but as you get closer it doesn’t seem to shine so bright.

So as you finally wrap your fingers around the supernova, you squeeze and scrape it, trying to reshape it’s form into something that was more of your liking. Your victory feels like a failure, but you have put in too much to go back now. Had you only been able to allow yourself to reappraise the situation before you got this far, you may have been able to avoid this discomfort. 

“Why do I fight?” is not simply a question to ask yourself at the onset of a journey, it is something to constantly be asking yourself. Contrary to how the public reacts to a politician who has a change of opinion, there is nothing wrong with contradicting yourself. You are not perfect, your judgements can change based on new information. What is worth fighting for one day may not be worth fighting for the next.

One should always fight for their own personal ideal, and do so loudly. Let your soul sound it’s barbaric yawp from the rooftops. If your passion lies in the heart of your soul, you will always have a reason for why you fight, it will speak clearly to you. It may be something simple, or may be something that lies high on a sort of cosmic scale. Either way the fire in your soul will rush over you as the answer enters your brain. If that answer cannot be found, it may be time to abandon that fight. Pick your battles passionately, and you will endure them happily. Fight without that passion, and you will find only sorrow.

Abandoning a fight is not a failure, for who is there to be your judge outside of yourself. If there is no passion, no personal fire in your fight, how can you even have enough energy left to judge yourself? Bother yourself only with that which makes you feel alive, dispose of that which drains you. A battle can always be resumed if it again deems that level of importance.

Constantly ask yourself this question, and don’t chastise yourself if your answer does not seem to rival the importance of some grand crusade. The greatest for a soul to fight is to simply be happy.

Mechanical Perfection

We Strive for utmost perfection
As defined by our machines
Always instant, always precise, always superior
Our hands can't even compare
Held at such high standard
How can we live up
Our art, our pitch, our beauty
quantified against a scale
If we remove all imperfection
What is left to love
What quirks, what secrets, what wonders
By which we are defined
The world has no carbon copies
Each leaf a different shape
All people, all places, all creation
Uniqueness in where they stand
Whats wrong with slightly slanted
Whats wrong with being true
No touch-ups, no edits, no filters
to mask our world from view

Inching Up A Mountain

I used to curse myself for how slow my progress came in life. With many things, it is easy to pick it up one afternoon, and master it by that night. This feeling of instant gratification dulls your senses, and leaves you hollow. Your instant successes with cause getting what you really want to become much more mentally taxing.

Instead of looking at how far you have left to go, instead look upon how far you have already come. If you only move an inch at a time, you will be much farther alone than if you just give up. It will be stressful, confusing, and difficult; But when you finally reach the top of the mountain, you will be so elated by that victory that you won't even be able to remember the troubles of the journey that brought you there.

So the next time you are struggling with accomplishing a dream, just remember that most people wander through life aimlessly, not even knowing what they want in the first place. If you know where you want to go, you can get there. It just takes time.

The Soul

Tonight I dream of a future, one forged through tragedy and sadness, but whose beams of hope burn through the dark clouds, leading to the eventual triumph of light.

Souls are forged through the hardness they endure. If the body does not break, the soul can pass through tempered and magnificent. During trying times, sometimes the only thing we can do is remember that we are always moving forward toward the perfection of oneself.

So as the dark clouds seem to envelop the world, light the candle in your heart, for even its faint light will be enough to guide you through to the other side.

Reflecting Pools

Through you I found myself
The one I truly am
I searched with great vigor
To find a soul who reflected mine

All I found in this tireless quest
Was that which wasn't mine
I lost my myself to the tides somewhere
No way to remember
How to define "I"

Strip away all pretense
Begin with unworked clay
A foundation of what I love
The truth of who I am

I am my own greatest masterpiece
Unique in every way
I seek no other to reflect my visage
I need only look inside

It was not lust
I needed to find
Nor status, nor fortune
But Pride

Pride in myself
From which my passion flows
This passion the essence of Love

Putting to rest my search for reflections
Allowed for my vision to clear
I can see beyond reflections
In the wading pools of souls

I can dive beyond the surface
And drink from the beautiful waters
That are made of what is truly you.

True beauty is limitless
When allowed it's wild growth
For if I try to contain it
Like a gardener's sharpened sheers
I deny a chance of you showing me
"Who I truly am"

"Pain Sponge"

Why do I write? What purpose am I really serving by just telling you about myself, writing paragraph after paragraph about how I feel about things, as if it's some attempt to try and force feed you my point of view. It's not my intention to come off completely self centered, I just so happen to be the subject material that I know the most about.

My head is like a particle accelerator, when I lay down at night and try to fall asleep, if there is a single shred of a thought left that can be turned into something negative, my brain will spin it around and around and around, letting it gain speed until it becomes an issue I am left to deal with by morning. I can jokingly say "It's because I hate myself", but the truth is that I am just so fucking critical. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, and it's not to say that I always know whats right. All it means is that my brain is constantly going a million miles an hour, and I can't shut it off.

In the past when these thoughts started to emerge that I knew had the potential to grow into something that could send me into a bad mental place, I would find way to silence them, and I would accomplish that by any means necessary. I've always used some sort of "Pain Sponge", someone or something that I could present my problems too that would make them just go away. For a long period of my life that sponge was alcohol. I could drink and just avoid my problems. The magic liquid would turn me into a fun loving person who could be their "true" self with no hint of shame or fear, at least most of the time. I have had my fair share of drunken nights ending with smashed furniture and hurt feelings. All I wanted was an escape, and if I was drunk and still forced to deal with my problems, I would just lash out at whomever or whatever was around me.

It was to the point where my intoxicated outbursts would land on such an extreme on both sides of the spectrum that "friends" would encourage me to constantly be drunk with them. I was their entertainment for the night. I could go make a fool out of myself, do things that no normal person would do or say in public. I reveled in it, I mattered, I was the center of attention. I was a whore for the attention, and I didn't care a single bit about myself. I had no self respect. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted that comfort of being wanted.

I also used people to a draining extent as the sponge for my pain and sadness. I would lay out all of my problems to a close friend, presenting them as a challenge for them to make me feel better. They would try and convince me that I was over reacting, that things weren't that bad. I would be told to look at all the great things I had in my life, but I didn't want to hear it. I would make up reasons why everything was shit, I would completely dismiss any notion that things weren't anything but miserable. The truth is I was getting off on watching them work. The fact that they were so dedicated to make me feel better in some sick way proved that they cared about me. I was emotionally abusive, demanding affection by making myself miserable.

When I finally drained the energy of the people around me, I turned to preying on complete strangers. I would usually strike up conversations with people online. Their first interaction with me would be this version of myself that was cheery and bubbly. I would be full of charm and wit, setting the trap for this unknowing stranger. I would let them see the best parts of me, make them fall for me, make them care for me. Then I would spring the trap. The next conversation would be full of sorrow and self pity. I would dump all of my problems on this new person, explain in great detail why there was no hope, how the world was against me, how nothing I could do would ever solve my problems. I would even go as far as to say "I am whole heartily convinced that I have already died, and I am now living in Hell." I would then drain the life force out of these people as they tried to cheer me up. Could they have even known that while they were dealing with this massively depressed person, he existed right outside the room as his cheerful self, seducing his next victim?

It's fucked up. I realize that now, and am still in the long process of forgiving myself for it. There are so many people, so many relationships that could have gone to great places if I had chosen not to exhaust them with my self pity. The sick part of it all is that once I had sucked these people dry, I would blame them for not being able to help me. I was in a perpetual state of blaming the world around me for my problems.

I try not to be that person anymore, I try damn hard. I want to find the beauty in life, I want to find the silver linings in all the shit that life throws my way. I want to stay positive, and that is why I write. I have made a conscious effort to abandon the "Pain Sponge", to find ways to channel my thoughts into a place where I can deal with them on my own.

I write so that I can work through these issues. I write so that I have a canvas to put all of these feelings on, so that I can then take a step back after everything is laid out, and look at a bigger picture. I write so that I can have these negative emotions exist outside of my head, and am able to see all of the great things that I do have in life, so I can how lucky I am. When I get these thoughts out of my head I can look at them objectively, and no longer have to rely on comparing myself to other people. I can take the focus off of the one single thing that is trapped in my mind.

I also write because I know that I am not alone. I have learned through this journey that their are other sailors tackling the same seas as I. Knowing this fact, truly believing it, has made it easier to deal with my own shit. I can take a breath and remember that I am never truly alone, I can find peace in the silence. I write these words as a testament to myself, as a diary of my journey through my own emotional growing pains.

I write as a way to help heal myself. It took getting as low as I possibly could let myself before I had the balls to grow up and realize that I needed to start taking care of myself. The help I needed didn't come from people telling me everything was going to be OK, it wasn't from someone holding me and stroking my hair. The help I needed came in the form of tough love from people who truly cared about me, people who were willing to fight for me instead of comfort me, people who sincerely held my best interests at heart. My healing needed to come from within, I had to be willing to get better. These people showed me that I was strong, showed me that I was beautiful, showed me that I have the power to stand up for myself. They showed me this by making me see it in myself.

I write because I wish to inspire hope. I make these journeys into my head space public in the hopes that I might say something that resonates with someone dealing with similar problems. I share my pain and healing in hopes that I can inspire just a single person. Maybe it's someone who needs to hear the words for the first time, or maybe it's someone who just needs to be reminded. I write because I man I have never met and never will decided to make the journeys into his mind public, and they changed my life. I share all of this with you because of the happiness I have found by being able to look into myself. I am not afraid to share my pain, my failures, my growth, and my victories if it means I can help just a single person.

Risk

It was in trying to write a joke tonight that I realized I wasn't being funny anymore, I was slipping into what I would call just an strong opinion. That's what I have this for, to speak my mind. The o opinion started to grow when I was having a conversation about car seats. Essentially, A car seat only stays in code for a year or two before "they" change the rules and decide that you need a new product.

This concept doesn't bother me on a level of money grubbing, I can understand a business model where you want your customers to keep buying a repackaged version of the same product. What does bother me though, is a more grand idea of how as a society we are over engineering every aspect of our lives to eliminate all the possible risk that we can. This transcends to every aspect of our lives, how as a society we have accepted, and allow this fear to control us into thinking that taking any form of risk should be avoided at all costs.

(I should take a quick moment to note, that on a people vs. government level, the biggest tool you can have in controlling the masses is fear. It's important to remember, to keep that little bit of cynicism in your heart whenever it comes to "them" telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing, what is and isn't safe, or even worse, what is or isn't "normal". "They" don't want you to be self aware, because someone who is self aware has a strong mind, and is not easily controlled.)

I'm bothered because I have experienced in my own psyche the effects this heightened idea of risk can have on a person. I try to think of myself as someone who is brave, who knows what he wants and will go after it without fear, but I am not too proud to admit that I have that doubt that lives inside me. Usually this manifests itself in terms of emotional risk. No one likes being hurt, no one likes being sad, but at what point does the risk of these things become too much of a risk to be happy?

I'm not the only one who has sat on a stool, looking across a bar at someone they want to go and try to strike up a conversation with, and has stayed glued to that seat at the fear that they will get shut down. It's easier to just sit and stare at that person, draw your own version of them in their head, imagine what it would be like to take that risk and actually have something great happen, to just think about how nice it would be rather than do it.

Is that really how scared we have become? We can calculate the risk and somehow rationalize that it would be better to live with the what if rather than the what might not be. The problem here is that what we are comparing is that a neutral outcome is better than a negative one, so that makes it OK. "No harm no foul". What we really should be embracing as a culture is "No Pain, No Gain." We should be looking at how great things could be compared to how they are now instead of how much worse they could get.

That's how I want to embrace life. I want to take the risks to reap the rewards. All of this risk assessment can be chalked up to a fear of death, but that in itself is bullshit. If I ever talked to what I would call an enlightened person about their thoughts on death, the answer always comes up the same: "I can't do anything to stop it, so i just have to make the best of the time I have while I am still alive." That mindset is right on the money. You can live life with a general sense of safety and self preservation, but it doesn't mean you need to constantly be scared. Bad shit is going to happen to good people, and there is little you can do to stop it. In the same way that you can be in the right place at the right time, you can be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing you do to try to prevent it will stop that, so why fear death so much? It happens, it's OK, death is not some evil force, it is just a natural part of life.

So the question that comes up in this Mantra is, "Are you afraid to live?". That's what it all boils down to when you look at risk, are you willing to risk in order to live life. We need to be doing the things that make us feel stupid, we need to be saying the things to people that scare us. By not risking the chance at having to feel those "scary" feelings, you risk missing on the chance to feel something else, something incredible, something worth risking for.

Embrace the notion that some things aren't meant to be. You don't have to beat yourself up if you try and something doesn't go your way. At least if you try and fail, you can put whatever you were doing to bed and move on. You can let go of all the what ifs, and embrace your next adventure with full force. "When one door closes, another one opens". You have to be able to let those doors close. If you leave them open you will never be able to find the next one. Even if it hurts, let your foot slip out and hear the latch close. You will be laughing when you find that next open door, and realize how fucking wonderful it is.

Hunger

I am often times very hard on myself. I beat myself up over the fact that I beat myself up. I will openly say that I hate myself, i can point out all of my weaknesses before I even take a second to look at my strengths. If i can take a step back and look at how I present myself, I think that there may be a disconnect between my perceived and actual self esteem. I can be insecure, but if I am honest it's not because I actually believe this poor view of self that I have, but it is instead that by being a harsh critic, I know I will force myself to achieve greatness.

I was raised as an athlete. I was raised to be a leader, to be strong, to be unbreakable. I had role models in my early life who were firm practitioners of a "tough love" method of teaching. I was pushed hard, harder than those around me, and was given very little praise for my accomplishments in comparison to the other members of the team. (for sake of argument in this divulgence of thoughts, the world team is going to be used as an umbrella term to encapsulate any time I was doing something where it was possible for me to measure my success and failure against those around me). I have learned as I have gotten older that the tough love approach leaves a certain negative impact on the subject it is used on, a deep seeded ravenous hunger to be the best, to feel like i "earned" any sort of praise.

I wish that I could be comfortable sitting on my couch every night drinking a bud light and watching sports or the news or whatever comedy of the months is popular on some major network. I have probably said this before, and I will say it again. I wish I could not care so much. I wish that I didn't feel like i needed to be the best. I am sure that I have lost friendships over this hunger to be champion. I know I have lost sleep over it, I know I have shaved years off of my life at this point dealing with the stress I incur by not allowing myself to be content with anything below spectacular.

I only wish that when I am tired though. When I am emotionally drained and don't feel like I have the strength to go on. I have written before about the negative hopelessness that comes out of me when I feel like I am at the end of my rope, that is something I truly do hate about myself, the fact that I am even willing to consider giving up. The lucky side effect of my tough love upbringing is that when I am running on fumes, when I am about to just toss my hands up and quit, all of those stern voices run through my mind. It is the sound of me yelling at myself from the inside, stoking the fire inside me, pointing out to myself just how pathetic I am acting. It is at those times when that voice inside shows me all the things I have accomplished, and then called me a little bitch for not living up to my name.

I have heard before from people close in my life that one of my greatest qualities is that I can throw myself up against impossible odds with confidence that I will succeed. There is a healthy dose of fear in there, but in some way I'm stupid and self assured, and don't listen to anything that is trying to tell me I can't get what I want. The pattern is always the same. I go up against the impossible, get beat to hell in one way or another, get let down, am forced to adapt, consider just giving up, then catch a second wind and fight through to the other side. It's exhausting, but I am happy about that part of myself.

Thats really the point of what I am trying to say. I like that fact that I hate myself...because I don't truly hate myself. I just need that fire under my ass to make sure that I keep pushing forward.

I sit and let myself become calm (or calm as I can get in recent times) and consider that grand concept of if I am happy or not. On a simple level no, I'm not happy. There are places I would have liked to be with my life at this point. There are opportunities that I feel as though I missed out on. There are events I wish I could have handled differently. But then I have to ask the question, am I unhappy or am I just not complacent. The thing is I wouldn't want to change the part of myself that is such a fighter, if I did you probably would have never met me, you would never be reading this, I would just be a 300 pound drunk sitting on his couch doing nothing but playing video games.

I have a hunger, and that hunger has made me who I am. The hunger is the reason that I am still fighting today, still looking forward, not letting myself just try to find some way to live the rest of my life comfortably, but instead find a way to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

So no, I'm not happy with my life, and maybe I will never be, but I am happy with myself even though I spend most of my time beating myself up. I want to keep finding new reasons to love, new skills to learn. I would say my biggest goal is to Master myself. I'll get there eventually, I'm sure of it. In the mean time i going to keep beating the shit out of myself on the inside, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The Uncut Block

I've always considered myself to be a pretty lucky guy, but lately my luck has been running short. It's come as a shock really. I am still "blessed", meaning I'm not living in a gutter or anything like that, but it just seems as though no matter how hard I try, all my plans keep falling apart. Massive roadblocks keep popping up that bar any progress towards where I feel I should be in my life.

I'm also a very stubborn person. When I get an idea of what I want in my mind, I will stop at nothing to get it. This stubborn attitude has been what is getting in the way of my luck. Allow me to explain...

I am a heavy believer in the power of the "universe", the way all human minds are connected by electronic impulses, the multiple layers of reality we live in. When I talk about my personal spirituality, it derives very heavily from this aspect. As my journey into the world of religion and spirituality went deeper into the rabbit hole, I noticed there were patterns that all of the philosophies shared: Prayer.

Every religion has it's version of prayer, be it meditation, guided astral projection, mindfulness, candle lit ritual, ceremony...they all serve the same purpose, as a means to channel your thoughts into one big powerful bubble of intent. Now be it a god you are praying to, or just affirming inwardly to yourself, what is really happening is you are manifesting intent.

Now it is a scientific belief that there are an infinite number of realities all existing simultaneously. Every time you drive to the end of the street and turn right, there is a reality that exists for if you turned left. Even more subtle changes like chewing something one extra time, all of these small changes spiderweb out and create an entirely different future, the "Butterfly Effect" as it is so commercially put.

Now, a further belief into this train of logic is that every thing on the earth has pulses of electricity circulating through it, and that as humans, our brains are actually all linked together through this electric force, and allow our subconscious minds to communicate with each other without us even knowing it. There are these constant checks being sent back and forth that make sure that we all agree that gravity still works as intended, that the car we are looking at is the color red and so forth.

So without going to far into turning this into an explanation of my belief system, the short/long of it is that in what I believe, prayer in whatever form you use it is manifesting intent, then sending that intent out into the world around you. Other people pick up on this intent and can adapt to it, and help spread it, and your intent can become a reality. We have heard stories of people having miraculous recoveries from illness from what they claim was solely driven by prayer. Sure that's some heavy stuff, but it's the general principle of Karma, which most people at least give a little credence to. Put good into the world, and good will find you.

Going back now to me and what I am going through.

I have gotten my head so deeply stuck into the hole of one single notion, that I have completely blocked out any other option for where things are going in my life to be acceptable. The problem I am running into is that it seems like the universe over and over is keeping me from getting to that place I want to be, but I really just need to take a step back and realize that my luck hasn't run out. My luck has actually been working so strongly in my favor to try to save me from what I am really starting to see as a terrible idea, and is helping push me into a place where things will truly have a chance to work out wonderfully.

I write this more as a reminder to myself than as something I expect to inspire. They always told me in school that the simple act of taking notes, writing information down, solidifies it in your mind. The lesson today is regardless of how wise I may think myself to be, I can be real fucking stupid sometimes.

It's difficult to see the good in a bad situation though. My last post was about the journey I have been taking to get rid of the hate in my life, and I am still finding these little pockets of hate hidden away inside me. I can feel my insides saying "but I want to be mad" when something happens that I don't like. I want to be let down, I want to be sad, because it's easier.

Taoism was the first spiritual path I followed after getting away from the Catholic church, and one of it's key teachings is resounding in my head as I write this. Mostly because the universe sent me a little message yesterday that I didn't even realize was a message until right now.

The teaching is to admire the uncut block. It is such a simple way to sum up a much bigger idea that one would first give it credit for. The essence of this core principal is to be able to appreciate the raw potential that an uncut block of stone has. Imagine being in a museum and walking down a row of sculptures. You may be looking at the visage of a human, or an animal, or maybe just some strange shapes, but at the end of the row is an uncut block of marble. Now all of these sculptures have been created by Master artisans, the work is perfection, undamaged by time. You could stand and look at this row of sculptures in all of their beauty and wonder how the hell I am going to convince you that the uncut stone is more beautiful than any of the rest.

The reason is because each of the other sculptures is exactly what it is, and that is all it is ever going to be, where as the uncut block has the potential to be any of the sculptures that are sitting next to it. Now this teaching isn't saying that as people we should do nothing and just sit holding our potential inside, but instead is trying to show us the value that potential has. Just because something looks like an unappealing hunk of stone now doesn't mean it can't become something truly great.

In life, even a shitty, shitty situation still holds potential to be something great. For me directly, it has forced me to look at other options, and realize the potential that is held in them. I just have to keep reminding myself that these roadblocks I am running into are not the representations of a cruel universe seeking revenge on me, but are gifts that I am ignoring. My own stubbornness convincing me that I should just be pissed off that they popped up instead of trying to find a reason why they could end up helping me. Honestly, I don't even need to find the reason, I don't need to validate them. I just need to trust that everything will work out for the best. The night is darkest before dawn they say. This is my darkness, and I know dawn is approaching. Hopefully all this time I have put into myself will pay off when it does.

Love?

Love was not something that held a very important place in my life until recently. It has always been much easier to Hate than to Love anything. My life lived on a train of thought where instead of being sure of what I Loved, I was sure of what I Hated. As long as something wasn't something I Hated, it was good enough. I scoffed at notions of being pure and true, letting go of anger, and living through Love. The notion seemed fluffy and pointless, but the truth is that the thought of Loving scared me.

Love leaves you open to get hurt. I'm not just talking about people, it also holds true for "things" as well. I didn't want to be hurt, I didn't want things to grow, I wanted to find things that I liked and I wanted them to stay exactly the way they were when I found them and never change. I guess I didn't fully understand the concept of falling in and out of Love with people or things, because I couldn't handle letting go of anything. Star Wars has always been something I loved, and when they made the new movies it hurt to see something I held so dear to me in such a different light. Sure it's just a movie, but it hurt. I had all of my own ideals of what the story and characters meant to me, and wouldn't allow myself to see the series evolve outside of what I was comfortable with.

With people, I never truly let myself Love either. I have had flawed relationships because of my fear of getting hurt, by my want to be in complete control of the thing I Love, but paradoxically wanting that thing to surprise me. I can now identify that I didn't full trust the people around me, didn't trust that they fully understood me, and that because they were capable of Loving me, their choices in how they grew would keep my best interests at heart. Outside of romantic relationships, I don't think I ever put the amount of faith I should have in those I considered my friends.

So it was easy to Hate when people or things "let me down". I could blame them for changing, blame them for not taking the time to really get to know me, even though I made it impossible to truly get inside. I didn't trust people to fully understand how their choices would effect me. I would push people out of my life the second they started making me feel uncomfortable instead of growing with them, instead of truly getting to know who they were, and to be able to understand why they were making choices that didn't go along with what I thought was best. I was overly concerned about myself and my own needs, but I was an endless pit of needfulness. No one stood a chance at keeping me happy, because I was motivated by my own twisted mind to never let them.

I now have enough humility that I can understand that I was in fact the root of the problem. My fear manifested in a way were I couldn't be transparent with those who Loved me. I was scared that if anyone truly knew me for who I am, they wouldn't like it and would drift away. So what I did instead was I kept my secrets, and played a false role that I thought those people around me would like. I created a fucked up perception of the world based on ideals and fantasy, and in turn would have unrealistic perceptions of the people around me. I would allow myself to be let down by those who I held close because they did not uphold to the "character" I had created for them. I had such high expectations of people that were based on my own longing for who they should be in my life. That is not a very fair way of living.

As I have grown as a person, I have worked hard to overcome my ability to Hate. I have learned to let go, I have learned to accept the fact that not every person I encounter is going to play a key role in my life, and I have accepted the fact that not every person that I want to be a key part of my life is capable of doing so. This concept was depressing when I first started employing it. It seemed to me as though I would constantly be missing out, my mind was racked with all the of "could be's and should be's", constantly letting my thoughts race away from me asking the question "what if". The problem is I never took the time to consider that something purely true and beautiful could be waiting right around the corner.

The truth I have realized is that by forcing your life to have someone in it only leads to sadness down the line. Generally speaking, it is easy to get along with just about anyone. There are some people you will meet whose moral code clashes with your own so violently that you know in a matter of minutes that you don't want them anywhere near your life, but for the most part you can get along and hold a conversation with just about anyone. The trick is having the self assuredness that you know what you need in your life, and being able to identify if someone is going to mesh with those needs. What I mean by this is that you may get along with someone because of your musical taste or favorite movies, but if you are like me and hold a lot of weight on your philosophical and spiritual side, someone who doesn't mesh with that part of you isn't going to be able to grow with you.

As I write this line of thinking down, I feel as though it makes me sound conceded, but it's not that at all. I'm not saying you can only have friends who fit into your soul group, I am saying that the people who you are going to let into the inner circle of your life should be chosen wisely. You choose wisely by being your true self as you interact with the world. If there are parts of you that you Love, you know those are things you are never going to want to change about yourself, and they are things that are only going to bring you pain if you have to keep them secret.

You don't have to look for Love in the world. All you have to do is be true to yourself and Love will find you. Love isn't something that can be forced, Love isn't something you can convince yourself to feel, it just has to happen. The enemy of Love is fear and doubt. If you fear the world around you, doubt yourself or doubt others, you will never find Love. You cannot be guarded, you cannot hide, be strong, be true, and Love will flow into your life.

And what does Love mean to me? Love brings me to god damn tears. Since my embarking on this journey of self improvement, I have revisited many stories and artists that I held dear when I was younger. I can listen my favorite songs and tears come to my eyes. I hear the music and the lyrics, and allow myself to accept the fact that it is something that I Love, and it overtakes me. I get brought to a place where I have a full understanding of exactly what something is so special to me. I have interactions with people that are etched upon my memory in vibrant colors. I allow myself to move through the world with my eyes open, able to live in the moment and to be able to feel when the magical swell of emotions runs over me. I feel Love by knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am so lucky to be alive, to have had that moment, because that moment was given to me freely. Love is not having to take, Love is letting the world give you everything you need.