Love?

Love was not something that held a very important place in my life until recently. It has always been much easier to Hate than to Love anything. My life lived on a train of thought where instead of being sure of what I Loved, I was sure of what I Hated. As long as something wasn't something I Hated, it was good enough. I scoffed at notions of being pure and true, letting go of anger, and living through Love. The notion seemed fluffy and pointless, but the truth is that the thought of Loving scared me.

Love leaves you open to get hurt. I'm not just talking about people, it also holds true for "things" as well. I didn't want to be hurt, I didn't want things to grow, I wanted to find things that I liked and I wanted them to stay exactly the way they were when I found them and never change. I guess I didn't fully understand the concept of falling in and out of Love with people or things, because I couldn't handle letting go of anything. Star Wars has always been something I loved, and when they made the new movies it hurt to see something I held so dear to me in such a different light. Sure it's just a movie, but it hurt. I had all of my own ideals of what the story and characters meant to me, and wouldn't allow myself to see the series evolve outside of what I was comfortable with.

With people, I never truly let myself Love either. I have had flawed relationships because of my fear of getting hurt, by my want to be in complete control of the thing I Love, but paradoxically wanting that thing to surprise me. I can now identify that I didn't full trust the people around me, didn't trust that they fully understood me, and that because they were capable of Loving me, their choices in how they grew would keep my best interests at heart. Outside of romantic relationships, I don't think I ever put the amount of faith I should have in those I considered my friends.

So it was easy to Hate when people or things "let me down". I could blame them for changing, blame them for not taking the time to really get to know me, even though I made it impossible to truly get inside. I didn't trust people to fully understand how their choices would effect me. I would push people out of my life the second they started making me feel uncomfortable instead of growing with them, instead of truly getting to know who they were, and to be able to understand why they were making choices that didn't go along with what I thought was best. I was overly concerned about myself and my own needs, but I was an endless pit of needfulness. No one stood a chance at keeping me happy, because I was motivated by my own twisted mind to never let them.

I now have enough humility that I can understand that I was in fact the root of the problem. My fear manifested in a way were I couldn't be transparent with those who Loved me. I was scared that if anyone truly knew me for who I am, they wouldn't like it and would drift away. So what I did instead was I kept my secrets, and played a false role that I thought those people around me would like. I created a fucked up perception of the world based on ideals and fantasy, and in turn would have unrealistic perceptions of the people around me. I would allow myself to be let down by those who I held close because they did not uphold to the "character" I had created for them. I had such high expectations of people that were based on my own longing for who they should be in my life. That is not a very fair way of living.

As I have grown as a person, I have worked hard to overcome my ability to Hate. I have learned to let go, I have learned to accept the fact that not every person I encounter is going to play a key role in my life, and I have accepted the fact that not every person that I want to be a key part of my life is capable of doing so. This concept was depressing when I first started employing it. It seemed to me as though I would constantly be missing out, my mind was racked with all the of "could be's and should be's", constantly letting my thoughts race away from me asking the question "what if". The problem is I never took the time to consider that something purely true and beautiful could be waiting right around the corner.

The truth I have realized is that by forcing your life to have someone in it only leads to sadness down the line. Generally speaking, it is easy to get along with just about anyone. There are some people you will meet whose moral code clashes with your own so violently that you know in a matter of minutes that you don't want them anywhere near your life, but for the most part you can get along and hold a conversation with just about anyone. The trick is having the self assuredness that you know what you need in your life, and being able to identify if someone is going to mesh with those needs. What I mean by this is that you may get along with someone because of your musical taste or favorite movies, but if you are like me and hold a lot of weight on your philosophical and spiritual side, someone who doesn't mesh with that part of you isn't going to be able to grow with you.

As I write this line of thinking down, I feel as though it makes me sound conceded, but it's not that at all. I'm not saying you can only have friends who fit into your soul group, I am saying that the people who you are going to let into the inner circle of your life should be chosen wisely. You choose wisely by being your true self as you interact with the world. If there are parts of you that you Love, you know those are things you are never going to want to change about yourself, and they are things that are only going to bring you pain if you have to keep them secret.

You don't have to look for Love in the world. All you have to do is be true to yourself and Love will find you. Love isn't something that can be forced, Love isn't something you can convince yourself to feel, it just has to happen. The enemy of Love is fear and doubt. If you fear the world around you, doubt yourself or doubt others, you will never find Love. You cannot be guarded, you cannot hide, be strong, be true, and Love will flow into your life.

And what does Love mean to me? Love brings me to god damn tears. Since my embarking on this journey of self improvement, I have revisited many stories and artists that I held dear when I was younger. I can listen my favorite songs and tears come to my eyes. I hear the music and the lyrics, and allow myself to accept the fact that it is something that I Love, and it overtakes me. I get brought to a place where I have a full understanding of exactly what something is so special to me. I have interactions with people that are etched upon my memory in vibrant colors. I allow myself to move through the world with my eyes open, able to live in the moment and to be able to feel when the magical swell of emotions runs over me. I feel Love by knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I am so lucky to be alive, to have had that moment, because that moment was given to me freely. Love is not having to take, Love is letting the world give you everything you need.